I think I'm getting homesick.
The strange thing is I'm already at home.
A few years ago when I was living away for university I started to get this feeling all the time. At the time I felt that my homesickness was a need for familiarity and home comforts. Looking back, this still seems true but I now know that my anxiety was the reason I felt I needed this. Isn't it funny how self awareness always comes to you in hindsight i.e. when its no longer useful.
Being away from home when I was feeling this way was a struggle. Whenever I came home to visit I just remember feeling this relief. Feeling that I didn't have to try so hard anymore to hold it together. It was the only time I was really able relax because I had to have constant focus and concentration on keeping my anxiety at bay just to go about daily life. At home it was easier. I was in a comforting and familiar environment and I knew that if I let my anxiety get the best of me, I had my family around me and I wasn't just out there on my own. If you've ever experienced a panic attack you will probably know how terrifying it is when you are somewhere in the world alone. They're terrifying enough in general. For me, when it happened I always needed to be with someone I felt safe with (my parents, my brother, close friends) and it would gradually go away and I'd be ok again. I had close friends at university who understood and were compassionate, but I didn't feel the same security with them as I did with people from home.
So eventually I came home for good. I worked on myself and on controlling my anxiety and things were better. Good even. The homesick feeling went away and I carried on with life. I started university again at home and stared working and spending time with friends and I felt happy. I still feel happy. That's not to say that anxiety isn't still an issue for me. Once it shows itself it doesn't ever really go away. Its still there but it doesn't stop me from living my life. Much.
There are still things that make me uncomfortable. Public transport, crowds of people, rooms with no clear exits (strange I know) being completely alone in the house for more than one day and night. And the dentist. Still scared of him too.
I tend to avoid these things for fear of triggering my anxiety. Some things I can't avoid though. The dentist every 6 months is always a fun time and I have to get on a bus to work everyday which doesn't bother me that much unless I get stuck in traffic for an hour. I don't need to get on trains as frequently but every now and then I do and that's always a bit of a hard time for me. I don't like feeling trapped. If I'm having a panic attack the last thing I want is people looking at me, so I tend to flee the area I'm in so I can pull myself together in private. Being stuck on a train for 3 hours and this happening is an absolute nightmare and I have been there many times. At the same time, I know that if it happens I will be uncomfortable for a while but I'm capable of pulling myself together. Once I get off the train I will be ok and that's the reason why I don't avoid them altogether.
So ok, its still an issue. Still, I know how far I've come since it was bad and the fact that I still make myself do these things says a lot.
So here I am getting on with life and feeling good, when that feeling comes back. I've only associated that particular feeling with a yearning for home so getting it at home is confusing to say the least. Still, I can't be the only one.
If anything, I know John Lennon knew what I'm talking about. I remember reading a quote from him, something about thinking he was homesick until he felt it at home. It feels like homesickness. This feeling is what I've always identified as homesickness but maybe its just sickness. Sickness with staying in one place for too long.
I was desperate to leave home for university when I turned 18. Then I went on to experience a new city for a few years until I got that sick feeling again. Now after being home for a few years its back.
So if its not about yearning for home then I guess its about yearning for different. It makes sense, a few years of one thing is bound to get repetitive after a while.
I've been finding myself daydreaming about leaving home. Maybe not for good but just to travel and get a change of scenery. I never thought of myself as having wanderlust. Especially since I've barely been anywhere. I usually associate wanderlust with people who spend their lives travelling, backpacking across the world, never staying in once place for too long. That isn't me. I mean I've been away on holiday of course, for a few weeks at a time but never for an extended period. Still, this feeling is starting to frustrate me.
The obvious solution would be to travel. To go somewhere new and have a new experience and see if the feeling goes away.
That's what most people would do.
I don't identify at 'not normal' just because I have anxiety, but I cant help feeling that way when I let it hold me back from doing things I want to do.
Of course I want to travel, of course I want to see everything I possibly can. I let my fear hold me back and the fact that I will miss out on life because of this terrifies me.
Its easy to say "seize the day", "you only live once", "if you let it stop you then you'll regret it" -I'm perfectly aware of this. Knowing this doesn't make it go away though. I wish it did.
I want to see everything I possibly can in life. I want to go to every cool and interesting place I can think of and I want to do exciting and amazing things that scare the hell out of me.
I hope one day I will say I'm not scared anymore and start living the life I want. I don't want my fear to hold me back forever.
I don't want to be homesick for the rest of my life.
-B
